Written by: Brenda L. Yoder, M.A.

“I am not to fear the future of each day, of Andrew & Kent’s sleep. God loves me.”

I found these words written in the margin of my Bible recently while studying Romans. My Bible is filled with hand-written notes from a Bible Study Fellowship (BSF) study on Romans I attended years ago. Reading these personal notes, I’m transported in time to that winter thirteen years ago. It seems like yesterday.

I had a newborn at the time. My toddler, just two years old, got sick soon after the baby was home from the hospital. He was sick for several weeks. Sleep was routinely interrupted as I fed the newborn, consoled the toddler, wiped up puke, and changed a toddler’s diapers filled with diarrhea. My husband, a dairy farmer, was gone from 1:30am-4:00am every other morning milking cows, so he couldn’t help with the nighttime chaos. Lack of sleep, two older children to get on the school bus each morning, and a long, snowy, illness-clad winter left me feeling trapped. Trapped in exhaustion, depression, fear, and what seemed like-a-never-ending-unmanageable-life.

Romans 8:15 (NIV), “For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear.”

I was a slave to fear. Fear that I couldn’t handle my new life with four children. Fear of the post-partum feelings I experienced making me feel strange inside my own skin. Fear that life would never be the same again. Fear of not sleeping night after night. In the margins of my Bible beside Romans 8:15, I wrote

“I am not to fear the future of each day, of Andrew & Kent’s sleep. God loves me.”

Somewhere during the bible-teaching message of this passage, God spoke personally to me. I had become a slave to fear. A flood of hope rushed over me as I realized God saw my fears and worries, and He spoke to me about them.

He loved me.

In another side margin, beside Romans 8:25,I found also wrote, “January,2000 Post-partum”

Romans 8:25 (NIV) says, “But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait patiently.” God spoke another promise to me that day. He promised that I can hope for what I did not yet have (sleep, balanced hormones, being somewhat “normal” again), and I needed to wait patiently.

I felt silly being depressed and frozen in fear about “little things.” Other moms had it worse. My children didn’t have long-term childhood illnesses and my pregnancy didn’t have complications. Outside of my post-partum life, things were going well for us. Yet, my paralyzing fear was real to me.

And God loved me.

When God spoke to me through scripture and Bible teaching, He showed me He cared about things others might have dismissed. He saw me, a silly, whiny mom stuck in a snow-bound house with a baby and toddler. He saw my cares, validated them, and gave me hope. Hope that things wouldn’t stay this way forever. Hope that I didn’t need to be a slave to fear. Hope that if I wait patiently, things would eventually change.

And they did. I developed a sense of peace when I went to bed at night. Peace that allowed me to rest in between night-time feedings, cries, and diapers rather than lying awake, hearing the clock tick–tock precious time away.

Peace that the newborn would not get sick instead of cringing in fear every time the toddler coughed.

Peace in going out with my tribe of four, feeling comfortable that life would not always be so overwhelming.

Peace that I was still the person I used to be.

Peace that God loved me.

As winter melted into spring, each day got easier and life evolved to a “new normal.” Looking at the scribbles in my Bible, I’m thankful for a God who saw a desperate, exhausted mom and cared enough to show me He loved me. He’s done this many times since then, and I’m amazed each time at how intimate and personable He is. The same God who saw my weariness, sees yours, Beautiful Mama. Whatever your fears or emotions are in this moment, He sees them. And His words to you are the same as they were to me.

I love you.

Daughter of God, where do you need to receive God’s love today?

Dear Father, thank you for seeing every pain we experience as mothers. Thank you for seeing us, for understanding us, and for reaching out to us. Thank you that you know our every need. Will you meet the smallest need for each mother today according to your glorious riches in Christ Jesus (Phil 4:19)? Thank you for loving us.

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