Written by: Kristin Cho
pretzels, covered in chocolate
pretzels, covered in chocoate, for dinner.
this is what i let my son have tonight. true story.
it was one of those days. we rushed out of the house after waking up late. i peeled out of the parking lot without letting the car warm up; our breath hanging in the air. i rushed through the drop off at daycare, work was work, and the daycare pickup was just as hectic. i hurried home to cook; basically putting off paying attention to Eli for another hour or so.
as i cooked he tugged on my apron and begged for a treat
he whined “pet-sull mama!”
i repeatedly denied him
and that is when it hit me. the time apart. the absence.
the distance between us that day.
i hadn’t seen him or talked with him in about 9 hours and i was going to put it off for longer?
so i stopped peeling the carrots, turned off the stove, and grabbed that bag of pretzels
the smile on his face when i handed it to him, and the little magic words,
my goodness it just melted me
we sat right there on the kitchen floor and ate three or four of those suckers. man were they good. we talked about cupboard fixtures, because that was what we were at eye level with. we learned how to say “baseboards” and “linoleum”. we had a picnic with a small tribe of plastic dinosaurs and cheers’d glasses of aloe juice.
then he came over and sat on my lap and blessed with a huge wet kiss. his little arms quenched my dried up spirit as he hugged me as tightly as a 2 year old could. and then he asked for noo noos.. he wanted me to give him dinner.
after a bit we were eating, watching Toy Story, and all was well with the world. it happened backwards, but it was happening… i hadn’t failed afterall
our whole life we will likely do things out of order, but it doesn’t ever mean we are complete failures. God’s mercies are new every morning (Lamentations 3:22-23 NIV), and He gives us every chance to strengthen our relationship with Him. by grace we are saved, and by grace we stay connected. extending that grace is the best way to know and glorify God (2Corinthians 4:15 NIV) and He gives us little human-shaped tests to work our spiritual muscles each day
there are many moments where i’ve prayed that my son’s memory would be new each morning, too. i’ve been impatient and bitter in front of him, even felt worthless and useless, and i realize now that they are emotions I never want him to associate with me.
i want him to see God in me.
i want him to learn the fruits of the spirit by my actions, and know that, no matter what, i’ll be there for him. that even if it takes doing dinner backwards in order to keep peace in the house, then that is what we’ll do. it will take patience, peace, joy and compassion that only God can provide. it will take humbling myself and sometimes giving up my routine, and my schedule.
most of all, i just want my son to always hug me like that, and feel a painfully beautiful love made possible only by God’s grace..
grace that sometimes presents itself in the form of cocoa covered gluten sticks
I’m Kristin; the wife of Thomas and the mother of Eli, and we live in the prettiest little city in Southeast Michigan. I am currently earning my B.S. in Communications, which I plan to use to serve women. When I’m not studying or cooking, I sneak away to write devotionals or spend time blogging over at www.lilyandlight.com. I love espresso, Jesus, writing, crafting, family-time, road trips and date-nights.